Otherwise known as, lessons I’ve learned the hard way…
- Do not put all your self worth in romantic partners
- Prioritize gender euphoria
- Set boundaries with cis people
- Work on your body language
- Trick your brain
- Control your emotions
- Protect your energy
- Ignore the haters
- Live in the present
- Surround yourself with the right people
- Be disciplined and consistent
Keep scrolling, I’ll break it down for you…
1.) Do not put all your self worth in romantic partners
A lie that I often told myself early in my transition is that men wouldn’t find me attractive or I would never get a boyfriend. As I began to mature in my womanhood, I learned that lots of men would have sex with me and fewer would want anything more than that.
Even fewer in that pool of men were respectable, attractive, and not fetishizing me for my genitals.
However I tried to convince myself that by giving men casual sex they would eventually catch feelings for me and if you do that you will be disappointed over and over again.
This doesn’t just apply to cis men, no matter what gender your partner is o. Never accept less than you deserve. Focus on becoming the girl of your dreams, not the girl of someone else’s dreams.
You also have to accept the fact that if someone isn’t for you then they are not for you. That is okay. Why would you want somebody who continues to disrespect and breadcrumb you?
When you focus your energy inward instead of worrying about having a romantic partner, that’s when you start to attract healthy people into your life. The sooner you are okay being by yourself is when the potentiality of having a healthy relationship comes into play.
Also you are not going to meet the love of your life on Grindr, throw the whole app away unless you are looking for shitty casual sex.
2.) Prioritize Gender Euphoria
As a trans woman, none of us are immune to gender dysphoria. Sometimes you’re on instagram or Pinterest for too long and you think that you have to look like an IG baddie or else you aren’t beautiful.
When that does happen, DO put the phone down. But I recommend a more preventative approach. Invest time and resources in the things that feel aligned with the woman you’ve always wanted to be.
If you feel insecure about a feature that feels masculine, try to find a solution that can alleviate some dysphoria.
Like if you’re self conscious about your forehead. Do a ba-ang. If you don’t like your hair try a wig or extensions, haircut, or color change. If your makeup looks busted, invest in better products or practice your makeup see what works for you.
It will radiate from the inside, you cannot put a price on feeling truly aligned with yourself. That’s my opinion at least.
A less obvious example might be that you love baking. It makes you feel really feminine and also grounds you. Or maybe having a vase of flowers in your room feels really feminine. Writing poetry or singing. Doing anything creative at your leisure really.
Grant yourself these simple pleasures as well.
3.)Have Strong Boundaries
I grew up in a household where boundaries were not talked about. People would allow other family members to walk all over them and then get angry as they reached their breaking point.
While you may think that it’s rude to say if something is bothering you, I think it is even more toxic to betray yourself by allowing yourself to be uncomfortable. When you allow people to violate your boundaries you will feel anxious/uneasy. That is your inner child screaming, “I don’t like this!”
You need to respect yourself enough to uphold boundaries as a trans woman. This might look like…
- Not performing specific sexual acts that revolve around a transexual fantasy
- Not sharing your deadname when someone asks
- Not answering questions about your genitals or letting people talk about them in general
- Not sharing your family history or allowing others to talk about your transition
By enforcing your boundaries in a direct and logical way, all you are doing is speaking your truth. You’re being honest and there is nothing malicious about that. Most people are quite receptive to honesty, and if they’re not then that’s their problem. Not yours.
You can walk away from that interaction feeling like you didn’t just give a piece of yourself to somebody who wants to satisfy their own curiosity.
4.)Work on your body language
When predators are on the hunt they always look for the easiest catch. Which animal in the herd is the youngest, which one walks with a limp, who runs the slowest?
Or if someone is looking to steal from an individual. A person who has strong confident strides, who makes eye contact, and looks aware is a lot less likely to be robbed than someone who seems anxious, self-conscious and is looking at the ground.
The point I’m trying to make here is that if you walk around like a wounded baby animal, people are going to look at you as an easier target. Humans are very good at sensing other people’s energy, well the ones that are socially aware at least.
Take large and confident strides, a shoe with a lil heel also helps with this. Heels actually are proven to make women feel more confident.
Make eye contact with others as you pass them, nothing crazy. Just you seeing other people, this is normal.
I’ve actually run my own experiment where I went on a walk and strutted and smiled and people thought I was the most confident person ever. Nobody knows even if you’re struggling.
5.)Trick your brain
If you frequently say to yourself things like, “I didn’t get the job because I’m trans.” Or, “He doesn’t want to be with me because I’m trans.” Or, “Everyone thinks I’m ugly because I’m trans.” The list goes on.
By law of attraction, you are manifesting those things. Your brain wants you to be right so you are creating a skewed narrative that your brain wants to find patterns to use as an example. Ultimately you are validating your own negative thinking.
If we’re being honest, I don’t think most people give a shit when you’re standing in front of them. Having pleasant interactions with cis people in your day to day is possible and has the potential to change how a cis person has thought about trans people in the past.
By blaming everything on your transness you are voluntarily allowing yourself to be a victim. You are playing into the story that you and society has decided for you.
Take accountability for your life, challenge negative self talk, put the work into becoming the best version of yourself. Your transness has absolutely no affect on your character.
However sometimes we are met with resistance, being a trans woman is not an easy journey. When we do come across rude or hateful people, we must do everything in our power to not take it personally.
6.)Control your emotions
This kind of goes hand and hand with the last point I made. We want to counteract negative self talk by investigating why. Why do I feel the world is going to end when people misgender me on purpose? Why do I feel stuck in my transition? Why do I feel ugly?
Anger, hopelessness, sadness, despair are all a part of the human experience. And I would argue that in all of it’s ugliness is the beauty of humanity. Cis people feel that way too. Rich and successful people can feel this way. Beautiful skinny women also feel this way.
None of us are immune but we can pivot how we handle our emotions after allowing yourself to feel them and validating those emotions we can investigate why and then we can pivot.
Pivoting allows us to change our trajectory so that we can prevent further harm to our mental health. Example I feel depressed. Why do I feel depressed? I feel depressed because I am not where I want to be in my transition, I do not feel fulfilled in the kind of work I do, and I hate my apartment/roommates.
Okay how do we change that? First we embrace suffering and we know that we all go throughs seasons in life and maybe this is one of the harder ones but the wheel of fortune is always turning. Feelings don’t last forever.
I am not where I want to be in my transition so I will research how to get free gender affirming surgery so that I feel more comfortable in my body. I do not feel fulfilled working in retail so I am going to figure out how to find a better job.
When I find a better job I am also going to work on a project that I am passionate about that has the potential to generate revenue. I will then be able to save more money, fix my credit score, and move out of my current apartment.
Stewing in emotions does not solve the problem. Identify the problem, see what you have to do in order to resolve. The answer is usually simple but requires some hard work. You are capable of so much more than you realize. Don’t let your emotions control your actions.
7.) Protect your energy
There are two specific reasons I think of when it comes to protecting your energy. The first is more general, regarding the relationships in your life. You may have already heard of this but pay attention to who makes you feel drained after you spend time with them.
These people are called energy vampires and they will literally suck the life force out of you until you are so resentful that you end up becoming an energy vampire as well. This can look like a friend who is always pulling you into their drama.
This is someone who has not taken accountability for their own life so you have to hear them complain about theirs or are expected to help them out of emotion turmoiL FREQUENTLY. We all have our moments and friends are there to support and comfort us.
However if you have a friend who has a panic attack everytime you see them and you have to fulfill a nurturing role for them in order to feel like a good friend. That is a big red flag. Or maybe some external circumstances have forced them into an uncomfortable situation and you are expected to help them through it every step of the way.
You have been put in an almost caregiver role, they are not capable of comforting themselves. Which is unfortunate for them but you should not feel guilt for no longer wanting them in your life. These energy vampires will take and take without them even realizing.
When you establish a boundary most of the time they will be upset. You will be the selfish one. That is okay. If they continue to violate this boundary or you’ve just decided that you’ve had it and you remove them from your life. To them you may become the enemy because you are no longer able to provide the energy they feel entitled to.
Needy people are selfish and they make you feel bad about yourself. Evaluate your relationships. Cut chords if you need to. Don’t feel guilty about it, life is too short.
The second point I want to make about protecting your energy I’m actually going to give it’s own section on this list, keep scrolling to learn about ignoring the haters.
8.)Ignore the haters
As a trans individual it is easy to feel as though the world is against you. And sometimes it is. However I find it pointless to try and argue or reason with people who have decided that we are all perverts and mentally ill or we’re not “real women”.
Okay anyways…
For example, when it comes to posting TikToks where we make harmless content. There are lowlife losers who live in buttfuck nowhere who have nothing better to do than comment hateful things. Because they are so discontent with their own lives they have actually resorted to trolling on social media.
And the funniest part is, they’re adults. And even more so, fucking losers that have NOTHING going on. So why are you going to give ANY of your energy to someone who wants a reaction out of you. They’re hoping for you to say something so that they feel like they have a sense of control in their own life.
There is no point in engaging with transphobia, for taking things personally even if they are hurtful. Just block and move on. If you do that, then you’ve won. You haven’t given them anything. And maybe they feel they’ve won because you’ve blocked them. And if anything that’s fucking hilarious because they’re the ones trapped in a job they hate and after work they come home to a loveless and sexless marriage.
Even outside of TikTok if people disrespect you in person, they want a reaction. Just ignore them or say the truth and move on. It doesn’t have to be a crazy comeback. It can just be, “You don’t know me.” Or you can laugh at their stupidity and keep moving.
Protect your peace. What they’re saying is not rooted in logic. Why try to use logic with them, they will not understand. They know nothing about you.
9.)Live in the present
Embrace all of it the good, the bad, the ugly. Just embrace all of life for what it is. Suffering is part of the human condition. See it as beautiful and transformative. Enjoy the little things, so cliche I know. But things like a cold glass of white wine. Or somebody smiling at you. Or the sun coming in through your window. Express gratitude for those things.
If you are living in the past, you will be depressed. If you are thinking about the terrible things that have happened to you in your childhood. Or the greatest love you experienced that didn’t work out you will quickly spiral into despair.
On the other hand if you’re thinking about the future, you’re focusing on outcomes that have not manifested yet. Or rather the lack of control in knowing where you will land. If you are worried about the outcome or not achieving the outcome you want and imagining the worst possible situation. You will keep yourself up at night with worry.
There is no point worrying about things that have not happened yet. If the problem arises, face it then. Do whatever you can do in the present to hopefully prevent the problem. But let go of control. Coexist with the universe.
If you let go of control and know that you will be okay no matter what. The world will open up for you. Because even if the worst case scenario happens, the sun will rise and set. The world will keep turning and life will continue and you will figure it out, you always do.
10.)Surround yourself with the right people
If you’ve heard this before I’m not going to apologize because it is true. You are a summation of the five people you spend the most time with.
If you are spending time with a bunch of people who are in a victim mindset, who are aimless and not goal ortiented. Then you, unfortunately, by default are victimizing yourself, aimless, and not pursuing your goals.
Because ultimately we are social creatures, we seek approval from the people closest to us. If none of my friends are taking accountability for their own lives, then I will look to them when I want to blame someone else for my circumstances.
If I’m surrounded by people who are goal oriented, running their own business, making shit happen. Then I will want to tell them about how I am smashing goals, running my business, and taking control of my life.
It is also perfectly normal and okay to have various friend groups for various reasons. You might have your ride or dies that you wanna chill and drink with and catch up on life. Then you have your girlfriends who you wanna talk about hair, and fashion, and boys. And then you have your entrepreneur friends who are all running their own businesses and who inspire you/hold you accountable because you don’t want to disappoint them.
Alternatively, as a trans woman. It is very important that you are interacting with trans people. That’s not to say that all your friends have to be trans. However, you are going to want to have some people around you that you can relate to. On a deeper level. A sisterhood of sorts.
I would recommend looking for LGBT centers because more often then not, they have transgender support groups. I would also look for Transgender non profit orgs in your area, they usually have events and meetups.
If you are somewhere more rural google, “Transgender events near me”. Crawl the internet until you find something that is somewhat close to you. If worse comes to worse, the internet is a great place to meet mutuals.
Also if you ever need some advice or girl talk, shoot me an email or message me on instagram! I’ll do my best to respond in a timely manner.
Outside of trans people if you’re looking for likeminded individuals in general just google, “*insert interest here* events near me” and crawl until you find something. Put yourself out there. Be vulnerable. That is the best thing you can do for your social development as an adult.
11.) Be disciplined and consistent
The last tip and arguably the most important key to confidence is having discipline and being consistent!! At least that’s what the Harvard Business Review book on confidence said. Meaning that if you have a goal that you are working towards every day. You are going to feel good about yourself.
Because you know that you are on the right path. This means that everyday you are taking steps to achieve the goals that you want. Those BFG’s (big fat goals). Even though they seem impossible, the work that you put into it consistently over time will compound exponentially.
And when you feel you are meeting the most resistance is when you need to keep pushing because success is right around the corner.
And something else I took from the harvard business review is that if you are anxious and you do not feel confident, let your anxiety motivate you. Your anxiety is essentially saying,”I’m not doing enough.” So do more.
Don’t destroy yourself in the process. But let it be enough for you to feel the heat from the fire under your ass to take control and do something about it. So that you may feel more aligned with your true self. Physically, mentally, and spiritually.
And most importantly… be gentle with yourself
I promise if you implement all of the above mentioned in your life over time, because big changes don’t happen over night. You will notice your confidence improving. As trans women we have been made to feel as though we are undesirable and unworthy of all the things we as humans want.
Success, stability, and love. We all deserve those things and they are perfectly attainable. Don’t let the narrative that society has written for transgender women deter us from achieving EVERYTHING we want in life.
It is attainable, we are so much more capable then we realize. We are so much stronger, smarter, and determined then people give us credit for. Please be kind to yourself in the process. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Life is long 🙂
